Magic and Mayhem: If the Wand Fits (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Once Upon a Time in Assjacket Book 1) Read online

  “Who did you pick? Anyone you’ve told me about before?”

  Zelda laughed. “I have someone in mind for you, but I didn’t put him on the list.”

  “Why not?” Except with a sudden sinking dread, I knew why not.

  “I think you know.”

  “Listen, Dazzle Diaper and I don’t have any kind of chemistry.”

  “Oh my hell, you’re lying like tile. Remember who you’re talking to. I think you two would actually be perfect together, but before you get all huffy, I didn’t put him on the list because I know you’re more stubborn than a mule and you’ll have to figure it out for yourself. I’m so sure I’m right, I’m not even going to say I told you so when it happens.”

  “Now who’s lying? You know you’ll tell me you told me so from now until shit sticks to the moon and tastes like apple butter.”

  “How will we ever know if shit tastes like apple butter? I’m not tasting it.”

  “Exactly.”

  “So you admit there’s some attraction there?”

  “Uh, like a man crawling through the desert would look at a puddle of muddy water, maybe.”

  “Okay, so find yourself a one night stand and see if that helps. If you need to get over one man, you can slide under another.”

  I snort-cackled. “You’re right. I mean, why buy the whole pig if all I want is a little sausage.”

  “You’re lying again. Size Queen. You want more than a little sausage.”

  She knew me too well. “You’re right about that. I’ve always heard fairies weren’t really packing any heat.”

  “Girl, don’t say that out loud again, or you’re going to have half the fairy realms knocking on your door demanding to prove their prowess.”

  “Well, it might be an idea.”

  “Listen, I don’t want to deal with them mucking up my town. I just get things quieted down and then there’s another disaster. And you know who the Baba Yaga blames? Me. I brought you here, so if you bring a horde of fairies waving their magic pogosticks around, guess who is going to get it? I already did time in the pokey and I’m not doing it again for you.”

  “You would too do time for me. And I’d do it for you.”

  “Okay, fine, but I wouldn’t do it for you to get some magic penis. There’s enough of that flying around.”

  “Such a visual.” I imagined a swarm of flying dicks. I don’t know why, but I always associated magic with flying. Little winged mushroom tipped dongs all red and pink, fluttering through the skies.

  “I know, right?” She laughed. “Anyway, he should be back with you shortly. I think he was doing a preemptive drive by on some of these guys to make sure he approves. So he’s not just shoving you off on the first dude that walks by.”

  “I guess that’s good to know.” I realized I was surprised. I kind of thought that he just wanted to shove me at whoever would say yes first so he could be done with me.

  Something curled low in my belly at the thought of his concern.

  Nope. Needed to shut that shit off. He wasn’t concerned. He was just showing interest in his job, like he should’ve been doing for the last hundred years instead of fucking off to party island or whatever it was he’d been doing.

  “Anyway, it’s a good list. If nothing else, you’ll get a couple of nice dinners out of it.”

  “Dinner is never a bad thing.” Even as I said the words, I suddenly knew that statement was going to be tested. I brushed it off to nerves, and recent proximity to Finvarra, but I was probably going to regret it.

  “I’ve got a beaver in need of some tender loving care, and before you say me too, it’s really a beaver. He’s got some poor bastard’s set of false teeth on his tail. Call you later.”

  Zelda hung up.

  I snickered anyway. So sue me, deep inside, I’m a twelve-year-old boy.

  I tried to think about who’d she’d put on the list. If there was anyone she’d talked about that sounded like he’d be a good candidate.

  No one came to mind.

  I heard Finvarra clear his throat behind me and I yelped, startled. Although I shouldn’t have been. I knew if I thought about him too hard he’d appear. He was annoying like that.

  “Bloody hell, Fin. Can’t you knock?”

  “I haven’t for a hundred years, why start now? And really, you know what happens when you think about me. Zelda called you, didn’t she.” It wasn’t a question.

  “She did and I really need a look at this list.”

  “I know.” He spread his wings. “Which is why I came by to get you. We’re going to check out all the guys on this list in their native environment.”

  “You mean we’re going to spy on them?”

  “Basically.” He shrugged.

  “Okay, I’m down with that. I mean, something might look great on paper, but once we get down to the real life applications, it’s a whole other matter entirely.”

  “I agree.” He looked me up and down. “But you can’t wear that.”

  “What? Why not?” I looked down at my sundress. It was perfectly adorable.

  “Because we’re going to be flying.” He made motions with his wings. “That skirt is going to fly up over your head. So save us both the indignity, okay?”

  I hadn’t thought about that. “What about you? You’re wearing a diaper.”

  “For the last time, it’s not a diaper.”

  “Then what is it?”

  He paused, his mouth open, but no sound coming out. “It’s not a diaper.”

  “Still not an answer.”

  “It’s a fairy kilt.”

  “Shut up. It is not.”

  “It might be. You don’t know. Have you ever been to the fairy realm? No.”

  “It’s still a diaper.” I liked that it irked him. The way his perfect golden brow furrowed with irritation and the corners of his mouth turned down. I half hoped it’d give him wrinkles.

  Of course, with my luck, it would probably just make him more attractive.

  His wings fluttered and my eyes were drawn to them, just like my hand. I realized I’d reached out to touch them before I could stop myself and he froze. Standing still and awkward like a dog who wasn’t sure he wanted to be petted.

  But they were so pretty. All gossamer and gold, like they’d been brushed with glitter. They were oh so soft.

  “You know,” he drawled slowly. “It’s polite to ask before you touch a fairy’s wings.”

  “Is it?” I didn’t stop petting him. I stroked over the full arch and down to the feather tips.

  “Yeah. It is.” There was a change in the pitch of his voice. He didn’t sound like his usual sarcastic self. Maybe he liked what I was doing. I know I did.

  “Sorry, they’re just so sparkly.”

  “Listen, I’ll let you pet them all you want as long as you stop calling my swaddling a diaper.”

  “Isn’t that what swaddling is? A diaper?”

  He grabbed my wrist. “That’s it. No more wings for you.”

  “Okay, damn. I promise. I won’t call it a diaper anymore. Swaddling. Fairy kilt. Whatever.” I reached for his wing with my other hand.

  “Nope. That’s enough for today.”

  In my struggle to get to his wings, I’d pressed myself up against him and I could feel the heat of his body burning through my clothes. Hell, it burned through my skin all the way to my bones.

  “Did you know,” he said, his voice low and silky, “in some parts of fairy culture, this would be considered the equivalent of a hand job?”

  “What? No, it’s not.”

  “Oh yes.” He nodded. “We like it that much.”

  I made the mistake of looking up into his eyes. “What about in your culture? The Sidhe?”

  “I guess you caught me there. It’s not a hand job, but it is foreplay.”

  “You could’ve told me that before I was all handsy with your wings.”

  “You could’ve asked,” he countered. “But I liked it. Keep doing it if you want. It seems to soothe your sharp tongue.”

  Was he actually suggesting he wanted me to be nicer to him? I almost choked. “Listen, your tongue is pretty sharp, too. You’ve never bothered with a filter either.”

  “I’m a prince.”

  “And I’m technically a princess.”

  “Hmm. So looks like one of us is going to have to bend.”

  I was still pressed up against him and it wasn’t the worst thing that had ever happened to me. “I don’t see that happening on either side.”

  “Me either. On the plus side, we know who the other person is, if it comes down to this marriage of convenience.”

  “I didn’t really mean that,” I said, splaying my hand on his chest. I mean, I was there, I might as well enjoy the scenery, right?

  “No? I did. I’m tired of having this curse hanging over us both. I want to go home and see my family. I’m not free until you’re free.”

  Suddenly, I felt like the world’s biggest asshole. I hadn’t known that was part of it. That didn’t change anything. I wasn’t going to saddle myself with someone awful for the rest of my life just to break his curse, but I guessed I could be open to the idea.

  “I didn’t know. I thought you were… just off doing whatever brat fairy princes do.”

  “Oh, I was.” His hand rested on my lower back. “To be sure. But you’d be surprised how fast feasting and orgies can get old.”

  I really didn’t know what to say that. All I knew was that I was dizzy with lust and it was way past time to scratch this itch with someone who wasn’t my fairy godfather. He was still horrid.

  “I guess we’re flying in that dress. Don’t blame me if it blows up over your head.”

  I wasn’t too concerned. “Your hand is practically on my ass. That should keep it down.”

  Suddenly, it wasn’t practically. It was a full grab, one cheek in each hand. Part of me thought I should smack him, the other part of me kind of liked it.

  “Just doing my chivalric duty, milady.”

  I snorted.

  “That’s not very ladylike.”

  “Neither is letting you hold my ass, but why nitpick?”

  “It is a very nice ass.”

  “That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me. Ever.”

  “Is it? Hmm. Well, you’ve never said anything nice to me, either. Not really.”

  He was right. I guessed I could toss something his way. Fair was fair. “I like your wings. They’re very nice.”

  “There’s a lot of ‘nice-ing’ going on here and it’s weird.”

  He was right. It was very weird. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. “That’s sad that it’s weird for both of us. We should at least have a professional relationship.”

  “We despise each other. Professionally.” He paused. “Maybe that’s the problem. We haven’t taken the time to know each other as people. Aside from our roles as fairy godfather and… whatever it is you are. Magical ward? Curse-ee?”

  This was probably the most surreal thing that had ever happened to me. And that was saying a lot, considering I was a magical being. I’d seen some shit. But here I was, having this perfectly normal conversation with someone I’d never had a perfectly normal conversation with, pressed up against him like we were long time lovers instead of arch enemies.

  The last thing I was actually thinking about was talking.

  From the pitch of the tent in his dia—ahem—fairy kilt, he was having similar thoughts.

  “So who is first on the list?”

  “The list?”

  “Yeah. You know. The marriage-curse breaker list? You wanted to do your job; so, let’s see the candidates.” What else was I going to do? Bang him like a screen door in a hurricane? Yes, I just might. So on to the more acceptable candidates.

  “Hmm.” His fingers continued to stroke up and down my back in a mesmerizing pattern. “First on the list is Jack Westheiffer.”

  “Westheiffer? Please tell me he’s not a bull Shifter?” I’d read this book about a bull Shifter once. Seven of them.

  “Ah, I believe he is. Do you have something against bull Shifters?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “Just bullshitters.”

  “Bet he’s never heard that one before.” Finvarra rolled his eyes. “He’s got a lumber business, if I recall correctly. He’s all about sustainable farming. Has a deal with the fairies. Every tree he cuts down, two more grow back in its place. I like this guy already.”

  “Loves the environment. That’s good. Has he been mated before?”

  “Yes. He’s divorced. Two kids.”

  “Ugh. I am not feeling the wicked stepmother bit.”

  “You don’t have to be a wicked stepmother. You could be a great role model and loving… wait, I forgot who I was talking to.”

  “Well, there goes the nice-ing.”

  “I’m just agreeing with you. You can’t be mad at me for that.”

  I could. And I was. He was supposed to say I’d be a great stepmother, even though I knew I wouldn’t be. I didn’t know the first thing about kids. I wasn’t looking for the 2.5, a yard, a picket fence and a dog. I had my candy cottage, I wanted my magic, and I wanted to break the Frogcruncher curse. Kids did not figure into that equation.

  Neither did the whole husband thing, either, but…

  “Next on the list is Paul Pierre. He’s a skunk Shifter.” Finvarra snickered.

  “What are you laughing at? I like skunks. They’re adorable and they suit my nature.”

  “You said it, I didn’t.”

  “They’re very powerful totems in magic. They have the power to attract or repel as they choose, as do the people who take them for their totems.” I defended my possible future husband against Finvarra’s slings and arrows.

  “If you say so.”

  “I do. Let’s go spy on him.”

  “As you wish,” he said.

  Chapter Three

  I didn’t want to think about what it was like flying with Fin. I was thinking about his bod way too much. I was supposed to be thinking about my future husband.

  Who was most definitely not Finvarra Connaught.

  I couldn’t imagine being married to him. I don’t know what little devil weevil had ever possessed me to say such a thing.

  Except, I could imagine the consummation part. Oh yeah, I could imagine that over and over again. On my kitchen counter. On the back of my new couch. In my amazing, expandable Roman style bath…

  And flying.

  I could definitely imagine wrapping my legs around his hips while he fucked me through the stratosphere.

  I was so thankful he couldn’t read my mind.

  His hands were on my ass again, and I was grateful. He’d been right about the wind blowing up my skirt. I was glad that our objects of observation couldn’t see us.

  Paul Pierre had a little peach orchard outside of Assjacket. It wasn’t too far from my candy house. I liked the look of it so far. The trees were obviously well-loved and well-tended. They hung heavy with fat, juicy, and mostly unmolested fruit.

  A man was working outside mending a fence and he was a fine, fine, specimen of male. He wasn’t overly tall, not like Finvarra, but most men weren’t built like the Sidhe. He was stocky, with purposeful muscle. His skin tanned from working in the sun, as he was now with his shirt off. He had ink black hair, and true to skunk form, had to streaks of white at his temples. I thought it made him look very distinguished.

  We’d established that the consummation part wouldn’t be a problem. He was hot, but I needed to get closer. I wanted to see what he was like interacting with other creatures around him.

  “You like?” Fin asked.

  I almost didn’t want to say yes, for some damn reason. “I do. He’s pretty.”

  “Want to get closer?” He didn’t wait for my answer, but moved us in close. A giant dog that looked like a pitbull/mastiff mix eyed us hard.

  “I thought you said they couldn’t see us?”

  “The dog probably knows we’re here.”

  The big brown beast eyed us then ran dead for us. He pounced on Fin, knocking him to the ground where he attacked. With his tongue. He licked Fin like a canine lollypop and slobbered all over his face.

  Fin, for his part, laughed and scratched the beast’s ears. Said something to him in Gaelic, that I found warmed more than just my witchy bits.

  “What are you doing, Brutus? Licking fairies again?” Paul shook his head. “Silly dog.” He reached down and scratched the dog’s massive head.

  Brutus looked at me, and there was a particular sparkle in his eye. He pounced on me next. As soon as he did, I was suddenly very visible.

  “Holy shit, girl. Are you a fairy?” Paul asked.

  Well, this was awkward. “Um, no? I’m a Poppy.”

  “Zelda’s friend over at the candy cottage?”

  “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “How’d you get here?” He narrowed his blue eyes at me.

  I decided to be honest. “Fairy godfather mishap?”

  “I knew there were fairies here. Brutus loves ‘em.” He scratched the dog’s head again and the cuddly beast licked my face again. “You sure you’re not a fairy? Brutus seems to love you.”

  I scratched his head and smooched him back. “No, not a fairy. Just a witch princess under a curse. You know how it goes.”

  “Curses are the worst. Are you okay, by the way? You just seemed so okay with Brutus, I didn’t ask if you needed help.”

  Chivalry wasn’t dead. “I’m fine.” Brutus backed away, giving me room to stand up. But then promptly shoved his butt against my leg, I assumed for rump scratches, and I indulged him.

  “I’m Paul, by the way.” He held out his hand for me to shake it.

  He had a firm grip that was just right. It showed he respected me as an equal. Some guys didn’t like women who had a firm handshake and tried to do the knuckle-breaker grip. Paul wasn’t like that. It was just a handshake. I appreciated that.

  “Poppy.”

  “Witch princess,” he added with a grin.

  “Cursed witch princess.”

  “So what’s your curse? Is it the usual? Have to find a prince, or at least a decent dude to marry?”